I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
