I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
