I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
