I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
