He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
