Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
