New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
