Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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