4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
