I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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