Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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