I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
