my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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