I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
