finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
