so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you had me at cake vodka
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
