Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
