I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
