I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
