Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
