If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
