it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
