I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize