Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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