Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
