The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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