I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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