i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
