I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
