Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
