Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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