No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
