Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
