i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a naked man in my car right now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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