I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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