we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
