ya dads aren't the best wingmen
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
