I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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