i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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