i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
