Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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