Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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