I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
