I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
4 words: hood of his car
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
