I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
