And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
