Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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