I puked a lego.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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