I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
