3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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