i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
