I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
