I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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