and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
