Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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