I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
