If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
