I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
