Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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