I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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