I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
