You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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